Thursday, December 29, 2011



An old friend came back into my life recently.  She is not officially “in” yet.  I have to keep a distance since the mere mention of her name gives my husband hives.  Ok…not actual hives, but when he found her name on my cell phone he looked as though he saw a ghost…that he wanted to kill.  He has despised this friend from the beginning of time (our time) and he fought my friendship with her ferociously.  Now, you would think…What has she done to make him despise her so much?  And come to think of it…she’s done nothing (to him directly).  Ok! So maybe she was the bad influence friend.  I like to have thought of her as my partner in crime.  We bar hopped, experienced all the clubs and she was even the one who dragged me through Paterson all through the night and let me enjoy the rising sun.  There have been so many movies based on this particular friend.  The one throughout history who has pissed off “the best friend’s boyfriend.”  Everyone knows how the story goes; in comes the boyfriend and out goes the best friend.  I didn’t want that to happen.  I loved her and valued our strong friendship.  So, I fought for her.  She has no idea how many tears and fights I went through just to keep her somewhat in the picture.  At times my husband made it unbearable.  We both admittedly thought we were right and the other was pathetically in the wrong.  His words to be exact, “She’s a dirty w----.  We don’t need her in our lives.” (My husband can be extremely crude to say the least)  And my point, “We have been best friends forever and she has not influenced me to do anything I didn’t want to do in the first place.”  I have no judgment wether she is a “w----” or not.  It doesn’t affect me!” 
My points could never convince him and his jealousy would never convince me.  However, to hold onto two relationships were my best friend and my boyfriend hated each other with a passion, was simply too hard.  The distance grew and the last straw for me was when she didn’t show up or call for the birth of my son.  That’s always a heart breaker.  I finally thought to myself, “Maybe Jake is right.  Maybe she doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself!?”  But I knew that wasn’t true.  I just held onto the anger to help me rid myself of her and all our memories. 
Years past.  Out of sight, out of mind, but I carried her in my heart the whole time.  Once in a while I feared I would get the dreaded call that she was killed or overdosed and my guilt for not having been there for her would rear its ugly head.  So, I’m a little relieved that she has made contact and found me.  But now that I know she is in one piece, what do I do with her?  Four years later and my life is so different now with two little boys.  I’m a boring housewife.  What will she want from me? 
We have exchanged a couple of brief emails.  Summed up our lives in a few sentences, but I think that’s all I have to offer her.  If I let her into my life and my heart then I’m afraid I will want to fight for her all over again.  Jake is afraid of that too.  He’s watching my next move like a hawk.  I actually find it a little amusing because I was losing his attention to long hours at the office.  So now, I know to use his jealousy to my advantage.  He came home a little early last night since he is trying to show me he is making the effort to keep me happy.  God forbid someone else would make me happy! 
I told her I would meet her at the mall.  Even I am hesitant to see her.  I don’t know why but she has always been an open door for me.  I used her to escape problems at home and school when I was young.  She got me through some bad times.  I don’t think I need that door anymore, but I’ll always want to thank her for it.

Friday, December 23, 2011



            It’s so funny!  It is on a Saturday night and I noticed how everyone’s Christmas lights just went out at the same time.  I believe it sums up our adult existence at the moment.  We are all in our early thirties, have little children and are in bed, lights out, by , on a weekend, no less.  This may be a normal routine for most, but to me it’s a little depressing.  Let me explain why. 
I can still remember my teenage years.  The night just began at .  Either we were piling into a car to hit the clubs or they were piling through my door to party.  I never had wild parties with loud music and rowdy strangers.  More like, friends coming to hang out, play cards, pass a doobi and drink beer.  When I was really young, (the beginning of my teenage years) my girl friends would wait till their father passed out in front of the TV and we would slowly tip toe passed him, out the door and into the night until we would stumble home just before sun rise. 
I still remember the streets and how eerily quiet the normally busy roads were.  There was never a soul in sight and we would walk passed the rows of sleeping houses.  I would think to myself, “If only these old people could see what I am witnessing right now.”  I felt privileged to experience the serenity of .  Not having to be anywhere…just having the freedom to roam the earth at such odd hours, felt wonderful. 
            Meanwhile, my girlfriends were ecstatic to be out patrolling for boys and out of their overly strict Arabic father’s clutches.  But I was enjoying something different.  I loved the freedom, but I also loved the fact that we were the only ones taking it all in.    It’s a profound thought that I will never forget and I am reminded of this when all lights are out by .  Yes!  I know!  I am a mom now.  I have different priorities and joys in life.  But when the kids are asleep and my hubby is on the couch indulged in sports and it’s a Saturday night and I’m not exhausted (like I normally would be) I will reminisce about a different life. 
I know my old best friend is out there experiencing what I left behind.  I don’t know if she loves it because I would guess, most free birds are looking for something more to fulfill their lives.  But I know she was a world win of fun.  You couldn’t hold her down and I’m glad because she showed me a world I will never forget.  I’ll always keep her in my heart, even though my husband hated her.  My husband was one path and she was the other.  I chose right.  Especially when it comes to my babies. 
            Well its ….off to bed, I guess.  Maybe my dreams will take me down an empty road…..to 4 in the morning.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


            My neighbor just told me she is pregnant.  I was the very first person she confided in with her first and now her second.  With her first pregnancy she ran across the street to show me the pee stick.  Her hands were shaking and she looked as though she just saw a ghost. 
     “Is this right? Are there actually two lines there?” she stuttered in amazement. 
     After I gave her the confirmation she was looking for she was as happy as a child on Christmas morning.  Now, three years later, she called me with that same child like enthusiasm.  She would have run across the street again, but my hubby was home and she didn’t want to act like a lunatic in front of him, considering she already did that this morning. 
Once again the poe poe and ambulance were called to her house.  Last week her three year old woke up with a little wheezing…the ambulance appeared! The Police were not at all amused by this familiar call since they know she has the boy who cried wolf syndrome.   Her daughter instantly went back to playing and everything was settled, except for nosey neighbors, like myself, who desired some answers as to all the flashing lights outside our homes.  This week, her daughter apparently held her breath till her lips turned blue.  The ambulance appeared, police had that same annoyed look on their faces and a poor EMT guy tripped on their blow up Christmas crap on the front lawn and smashed his nose real nice with blood everywhere.  Once again, her daughter went back to playing and our neighbors think she is a total whack job  (which we already know she is, but I don’t mind the drama as long as I’m not in it).  I have a soft spot for people with some screws lose.  Maybe because mine are kind of lose also.  But what are you going to do?  Drama equals story and story means interesting. 
            So after this morning’s cop’s episode, she called this afternoon with her baby announcement.  I love babies!  I’m excited.  Especially since I will get all the details and don’t have to experience the pregnancy and all the work that comes along with new baby.  I look forward to hearing about the first kicks, the ultrasounds, the baby shower, etc….all the good stuff.  I’m sure I’ll have to listen to all the bad as well; the morning sickness, the no sleep, the heartburn, the swelling.  I don’t’ mind.  That’s what friends are for and I like trying to help by passing along some of  my own wisdom from having my own two. 
            She has no idea what she is in for!  A smart ass co-worker of my husbands expressed to him once, “one is heaven…two is hell” while I was pregnant with my second.  I chalked up his insight to just crewed and insensitive but was still annoyed at such blasphemy.  Little did I know, the man was right.  He was like an old wise man (from the Bronx) that summed up the honor of having more than one child and in just one harsh phrase.   I put it in a lot nicer terms for people, “Two is not double the work…its triple!”  I’m positive that people will never get the idea until they have their second.  Just like you have no clue what being a parent is until you actually are one.  You can read all the baby books, babysit all your nieces and nephews until your exhausted, listen to every parent and their stories…You just never know until you are actually in those shoes.  That’s probably Gods plan, so we don’t all run scared and never pro create. 
The work load is heavy but the pitter patter of little feet, that you made happen, is the sweetest gift in life.  You know how you can fully appreciate something even more so when you have worked really hard for it?  Well, God makes you work and work and work on and for your children until your dying day.  Therefore, you’ll appreciate and cherish them like nothing else.  All that work ages you quickly though.  Compare two people the same age.  One with kids and the other without.  The one with kids will always look older.  The secret to youth is…don’t have kids.  It’s as simple as that.  They suck the youth right out of you.  On the bright side, you do get to experience your childhood over again.  For example: I get to build snow men, the adults take turns sleigh riding on the midget sized sleighs we steal from the kids, I love the bouncy houses and giant blow up slides at the kids parties, plus I get to avoid all the grown up chit chat when I can just chase my kids around.  You get to have so much fun again, but all in all, you’re still old, feel old and don’t even try to deny it! Are old, standing beside your little youth suckers!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Liebster Award

I was so happy to receive this fun little award from SoCal Tess
In Love by the beach: http://inlovebythebeach.blogspot.com/
Make sure you check her blog out, it is great!
Make sure you check her blog out, it is great!
The Liebster award ("Liebster" is the German word for friend or love) originated in Germany. The aim of the award is to bring attention to blogs with fewer than 200 followers.

The Liebster award ("Liebster" is the German word for friend or love) originated in Germany. The aim of the award is to bring attention to blogs with fewer than 200 followers.

I chose to pass this award onto these really great writers:

Consider following these blogs, they are awesome!
These are the guidelines for accepting the award:
1. Show your Thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them
2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog
3. Post the award on your blog
4. have fun and spread the Karma
5. Save the Leibster image to your computer and upload it to your blog

Friday, December 9, 2011


            I’m having a little girl pout today.  It’s probably PMS because I can feel my hormones going haywire.  Its funny, I bet most women can’t even tell when their hormones fluctuate.  I can.  Especially after child birth.  You have nine months of feeling every little change.  Like your belly slowly starting to swell, along with every thing else on your body.  I miss feeling the baby move around.  Its pretty cool knowing that your baby is right there with you at all times and then having the reassurance that they are thriving in the little home you made for them is such a nice bonus.  Then, toward the end, you can actually see their little limbs trying to poke through your stomach.  But by then the anxiousness for your baby to be out of you is practically unbearable by month 9.  I’ll just sum it up by saying, “the no sleep and constant uncomfortableness is god’s way of preparing you for when he or she actually gets there.” 
            I don’t miss being pregnant but I do miss the feeling of them inside my tummy.  That memory should have just cheered me up, but it didn’t.  I’m still pouting. 
My computer cord broke.  Now I have to go to a computer store and look for something compatible with my lap top (annoying errand).  Plus, I can’t seem to make a nice mommy acquaintance at Max’s school.  Some of them seem pretty stuck up!  Like certain girls in high school, who thought they were just too good for you, but still managed to have nine thousand friends in the meantime.  It’s sounds like petty high school drama to ramble on about something like this, but like I admitted in the beginning, I’m having a little girl pout today.   One of Jay’s teachers just got on my nerves for something stupid, that shouldn’t bother me (not even worth writing about)  But today everything will bother me.  Except for the boys.  They have been surprisingly good today.  Maybe they can sense the mommy beast is here and they just know better than to misbehave.  Maybe I’ll let the hubby give me one of his smothering snuggles.  A big bear hug should do the trick.  Here’s hoping!